1. STF All-Name Team: The 1%

    I’ve always been into great names here at STF. Perhaps the greatest name I’ve ever seen is held by former Alabama State big man Chief Kickingstallionsims, but there might be a couple of challengers this season. I implore you, parents of the world, keep reaching for the gold standard.

    I used to dump all of the great names in DI into one post, but this year, I’d rather break it up a bit, so we’re starting with the 1% - the richest of the rich - the BCS conferences.

    This is wholly subjective, so I’m going to explain why I like each name. I’ll also encourage you to hit me back in the ask box (not as dirty as it sounds) with your favorites.

    ACC

    Boston College:

    John Cain Carney - Serial killer? Presidential assassin? Heir to Joe Barry Carroll?

    FSU:

    Luke Loucks - It’s kind of redundant redundant.

    Dievidas Dulkys - It just has flow.

    Terry Whisnant II - Sounds more like a stockbroker than a shooter.

    Maryland:

    Pe’Shon Howard - Extraneous apostrophes always make the list.

    Miami:

    Ryan Quigtar - Because it reminds me of the keytar.

    Kenny Kadji - Alliterative and rhymey.

    NC State:

    Staats Battle - With a name like this, he has to be a conscienceless gunner, right?

    Wake Forest:

    Tony Chennault - Sounds like one of those classic Formula 1 drivers of yesteryear.

    Big 12

    Baylor:

    Quincy Acy - Gonna get loosey-goosey on your rims.

    J’Mison Morgan - Creative use of the apostrophe in an already unusual name.

    Deuce Bello - Sounds like something that should only happen in a private restroom stall.

    Iowa State:

    Bubu Palo - Defies explanation.

    Tavon Sledge - Try this on for size: “Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing… Tavon Sledge and the Tower of Power horns!!!” (crowd goes wild)

    K-State:

    Martavious Irving - Emperor of Rome and conqueror of the Abyssynian host.

    Okie State:

    Michael Cobbins - Because Frodo could always use another friend in the Shire.

    Le’Bryan Nash - Solely for the apostrophe.

    Marek Soucek - Marek Soucek, meet Quincy Acy.

    Texas:

    J’Covan Brown - An apostrophe decision.

    Andrew Dick - Use your imagination. Or don’t. It’s right there for you.

    Texas Tech:

    Toddrick Gotcher - I don’t think you can combine a Todd and a Rick. They’re two completely different types of guy.

    Big East

    Cincy:

    Ge’Lawn Guyn - Not only an apostrophe, but sort of a Star Trek feel to it.

    Cashmere Wright - Great name for a point guard. Conjures up images of silky-smooth moves.

    Octavius Ellis - Child-emperor of Rome deposed for admitting that he massacred the Picts while dropping acid.

    DePaul:

    Cleveland Melvin - I will never not choose a person named after a city or state.

    Worrel Clahar - Science fiction villain name FTW.

    Louisville:

    Elisha Justice - The sherrif who put an end to all the cattle-thievin’ in Dodge City.

    Marquette:

    Vander Blue - Folksy. Perfectly balanced.

    Notre Dame:

    Jack Cooley - No coincidence that he sounds like a 19th-century bare knuckle boxer. Mike Brey calls him the team’s ‘brawler’.

    Providence:

    Kiwi Gardner - Sounds like a job description for an intenerant farm worker.

    South Florida:

    Jawanza Poland - Amusing primarily because he hails from Wichita, KS, but also a quality name in its own right.

    St. John’s:

    God’s Gift Achiuwa (pictured) - Oh, you know this one’s been on my list since 2009. I finally get to use it.

    Sir’Dominic Pointer - Harkens back to Sirr Parker.

    Syracuse:

    Rakeem Christmas - It’s like a holy war all wrapped up in one man.

    Fab Melo - Not really very fab, nor very mellow. Ironic.

    'Nova:

    Achraf Yacoubou - Makes me think of shakabuku. It’s a swift, spiritual kick to the head.

    Big Ten

    Illinois:

    Nnanna Egwu - Hell on anyone with a speech impediment.

    Indiana:

    Verdell Jones III - That’s The Reverend Verdell Jones III to you, young man.

    Michigan:

    Sai Tummala - Shades of Vai Sikahema.

    Minnesota:

    Maverick Ahanmisi - He can be my wingman any time.

    Nebraska:

    Kye Kurkowski - Good alliteration, plus Nebraska has never been as good as they were with the Polish Rifle, Eric Piatkowski. Perhaps the magic will return.

    Wisconsin:

    Frank Kaminsky - Doesn’t Frank Kaminsky teach science in the room next to Walter White in Breaking Bad?

    Pac-12

    Cal:

    Bak Bak - I assume there’s no explanation necessary for this one. Are we good? Good.

    Colorado:

    Shannon Sharpe - Even if he had played at Colorado State, this would have been a non-starter, but 30 miles from Denver?

    Spencer Dinwiddie - Billionaire industrialist.

    Beau Webb/Beau Gamble - For making the CU roster sound a little bit more like an SEC football team.

    UCLA:

    De’End Parker - Too. Many. Jokes. Especially if he gets stuck on the bench.

    USC:

    Danilo Dragovic – Bond villain.

    Washington:

    Andrew Andrews - I don’t even want to know his middle name unless it’s Andrew or Andre.

    WSU:

    Dave Wink - Game show host.

    SEC

    Arkansas:

    Mardracus Wade - That’s just a badass name. I’m kind of sorry I already named my son something else.

    Kikko Haydar - Went almost as wild with the letter ‘k’ as Nnanna’s folks did with ‘n’.

    Julysses Nobles - It’s like a Cuban take on a Greek epic.

    Auburn:

    Rob Chubb - Is actually a large man. Can’t decide if that’s funnier than if he were skinny.

    Georgia:

    John Cannon - Porn star.

    Kentucky:

    Sam Malone - Relief pitcher. Bar owner.

    LSU:

    Storm Warren - “And now, a look at our doppler radar for the upcoming weekend!”

    Miss St.:

    Roquez Johnson - If you have a common last name, why not go for a memorable given name?

    Ole Miss:

    Dundrecous Nelson - Can’t wait for the Dundrecous/Mardracous meetings this season.

    Steadman Short/Brock Shorter: For making things easy on headline writers and photo editors everywhere.

    Tennessee:

    Skylar McBee - Boy reporter.

    Vandy:

    Festus Ezeli - “Festus! Sherrif Elisha Justice is lookin’ for you!”

    Steve Tcheingang - “That’s the sound of the men, workin’ on a Tchein… gaaaaang.” - Sam Cooke

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