I’ve always been into great names here at STF. Perhaps the greatest name I’ve ever seen is held by former Alabama State big man Chief Kickingstallionsims, but there might be a couple of challengers this season. I implore you, parents of the world, keep reaching for the gold standard.
I used to dump all of the great names in DI into one post, but this year, I’d rather break it up a bit, so we’re starting with the 1% - the richest of the rich - the BCS conferences.
This is wholly subjective, so I’m going to explain why I like each name. I’ll also encourage you to hit me back in the ask box (not as dirty as it sounds) with your favorites.
John Cain Carney - Serial killer? Presidential assassin? Heir to Joe Barry Carroll?
Luke Loucks - It’s kind of redundant redundant.
Dievidas Dulkys - It just has flow.
Terry Whisnant II - Sounds more like a stockbroker than a shooter.
Pe’Shon Howard - Extraneous apostrophes always make the list.
Ryan Quigtar - Because it reminds me of the keytar.
Kenny Kadji - Alliterative and rhymey.
Staats Battle - With a name like this, he has to be a conscienceless gunner, right?
Tony Chennault - Sounds like one of those classic Formula 1 drivers of yesteryear.
Quincy Acy - Gonna get loosey-goosey on your rims.
J’Mison Morgan - Creative use of the apostrophe in an already unusual name.
Deuce Bello - Sounds like something that should only happen in a private restroom stall.
Bubu Palo - Defies explanation.
Tavon Sledge - Try this on for size: “Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing… Tavon Sledge and the Tower of Power horns!!!” (crowd goes wild)
Martavious Irving - Emperor of Rome and conqueror of the Abyssynian host.
Michael Cobbins - Because Frodo could always use another friend in the Shire.
Le’Bryan Nash - Solely for the apostrophe.
Marek Soucek - Marek Soucek, meet Quincy Acy.
J’Covan Brown - An apostrophe decision.
Andrew Dick - Use your imagination. Or don’t. It’s right there for you.
Toddrick Gotcher - I don’t think you can combine a Todd and a Rick. They’re two completely different types of guy.
Ge’Lawn Guyn - Not only an apostrophe, but sort of a Star Trek feel to it.
Cashmere Wright - Great name for a point guard. Conjures up images of silky-smooth moves.
Octavius Ellis - Child-emperor of Rome deposed for admitting that he massacred the Picts while dropping acid.
Cleveland Melvin - I will never not choose a person named after a city or state.
Worrel Clahar - Science fiction villain name FTW.
Elisha Justice - The sherrif who put an end to all the cattle-thievin’ in Dodge City.
Vander Blue - Folksy. Perfectly balanced.
Jack Cooley - No coincidence that he sounds like a 19th-century bare knuckle boxer. Mike Brey calls him the team’s ‘brawler’.
Kiwi Gardner - Sounds like a job description for an intenerant farm worker.
Jawanza Poland - Amusing primarily because he hails from Wichita, KS, but also a quality name in its own right.
God’s Gift Achiuwa (pictured) - Oh, you know this one’s been on my list since 2009. I finally get to use it.
Sir’Dominic Pointer - Harkens back to Sirr Parker.
Rakeem Christmas - It’s like a holy war all wrapped up in one man.
Achraf Yacoubou - Makes me think of shakabuku. It’s a swift, spiritual kick to the head.
Nnanna Egwu - Hell on anyone with a speech impediment.
Verdell Jones III - That’s The Reverend Verdell Jones III to you, young man.
Sai Tummala - Shades of Vai Sikahema.
Maverick Ahanmisi - He can be my wingman any time.
Kye Kurkowski - Good alliteration, plus Nebraska has never been as good as they were with the Polish Rifle, Eric Piatkowski. Perhaps the magic will return.
Frank Kaminsky - Doesn’t Frank Kaminsky teach science in the room next to Walter White in Breaking Bad?
Bak Bak - I assume there’s no explanation necessary for this one. Are we good? Good.
Shannon Sharpe - Even if he had played at Colorado State, this would have been a non-starter, but 30 miles from Denver?
Spencer Dinwiddie - Billionaire industrialist.
Beau Webb/Beau Gamble - For making the CU roster sound a little bit more like an SEC football team.
De’End Parker - Too. Many. Jokes. Especially if he gets stuck on the bench.
Danilo Dragovic – Bond villain.
Andrew Andrews - I don’t even want to know his middle name unless it’s Andrew or Andre.
Dave Wink - Game show host.
Mardracus Wade - That’s just a badass name. I’m kind of sorry I already named my son something else.
Kikko Haydar - Went almost as wild with the letter ‘k’ as Nnanna’s folks did with ‘n’.
Julysses Nobles - It’s like a Cuban take on a Greek epic.
Rob Chubb - Is actually a large man. Can’t decide if that’s funnier than if he were skinny.
John Cannon - Porn star.
Sam Malone - Relief pitcher. Bar owner.
Storm Warren - “And now, a look at our doppler radar for the upcoming weekend!”
Roquez Johnson - If you have a common last name, why not go for a memorable given name?
Dundrecous Nelson - Can’t wait for the Dundrecous/Mardracous meetings this season.
Steadman Short/Brock Shorter: For making things easy on headline writers and photo editors everywhere.
Skylar McBee - Boy reporter.
Festus Ezeli - “Festus! Sherrif Elisha Justice is lookin’ for you!”
Steve Tcheingang - “That’s the sound of the men, workin’ on a Tchein… gaaaaang.” - Sam Cooke