STF All-Name Team: The 1%

I’ve always been into great names here at STF. Perhaps the greatest name I’ve ever seen is held by former Alabama State big man Chief Kickingstallionsims, but there might be a couple of challengers this season. I implore you, parents of the world, keep reaching for the gold standard.

I used to dump all of the great names in DI into one post, but this year, I’d rather break it up a bit, so we’re starting with the 1% - the richest of the rich - the BCS conferences.

This is wholly subjective, so I’m going to explain why I like each name. I’ll also encourage you to hit me back in the ask box (not as dirty as it sounds) with your favorites.

ACC

Boston College:

John Cain Carney - Serial killer? Presidential assassin? Heir to Joe Barry Carroll?

FSU:

Luke Loucks - It’s kind of redundant redundant.

Dievidas Dulkys - It just has flow.

Terry Whisnant II - Sounds more like a stockbroker than a shooter.

Maryland:

Pe’Shon Howard - Extraneous apostrophes always make the list.

Miami:

Ryan Quigtar - Because it reminds me of the keytar.

Kenny Kadji - Alliterative and rhymey.

NC State:

Staats Battle - With a name like this, he has to be a conscienceless gunner, right?

Wake Forest:

Tony Chennault - Sounds like one of those classic Formula 1 drivers of yesteryear.

Big 12

Baylor:

Quincy Acy - Gonna get loosey-goosey on your rims.

J’Mison Morgan - Creative use of the apostrophe in an already unusual name.

Deuce Bello - Sounds like something that should only happen in a private restroom stall.

Iowa State:

Bubu Palo - Defies explanation.

Tavon Sledge - Try this on for size: “Ladies and Gentlemen, introducing… Tavon Sledge and the Tower of Power horns!!!” (crowd goes wild)

K-State:

Martavious Irving - Emperor of Rome and conqueror of the Abyssynian host.

Okie State:

Michael Cobbins - Because Frodo could always use another friend in the Shire.

Le’Bryan Nash - Solely for the apostrophe.

Marek Soucek - Marek Soucek, meet Quincy Acy.

Texas:

J’Covan Brown - An apostrophe decision.

Andrew Dick - Use your imagination. Or don’t. It’s right there for you.

Texas Tech:

Toddrick Gotcher - I don’t think you can combine a Todd and a Rick. They’re two completely different types of guy.

Big East

Cincy:

Ge’Lawn Guyn - Not only an apostrophe, but sort of a Star Trek feel to it.

Cashmere Wright - Great name for a point guard. Conjures up images of silky-smooth moves.

Octavius Ellis - Child-emperor of Rome deposed for admitting that he massacred the Picts while dropping acid.

DePaul:

Cleveland Melvin - I will never not choose a person named after a city or state.

Worrel Clahar - Science fiction villain name FTW.

Louisville:

Elisha Justice - The sherrif who put an end to all the cattle-thievin’ in Dodge City.

Marquette:

Vander Blue - Folksy. Perfectly balanced.

Notre Dame:

Jack Cooley - No coincidence that he sounds like a 19th-century bare knuckle boxer. Mike Brey calls him the team’s ‘brawler’.

Providence:

Kiwi Gardner - Sounds like a job description for an intenerant farm worker.

South Florida:

Jawanza Poland - Amusing primarily because he hails from Wichita, KS, but also a quality name in its own right.

St. John’s:

God’s Gift Achiuwa (pictured) - Oh, you know this one’s been on my list since 2009. I finally get to use it.

Sir’Dominic Pointer - Harkens back to Sirr Parker.

Syracuse:

Rakeem Christmas - It’s like a holy war all wrapped up in one man.

Fab Melo - Not really very fab, nor very mellow. Ironic.

‘Nova:

Achraf Yacoubou - Makes me think of shakabuku. It’s a swift, spiritual kick to the head.

Big Ten

Illinois:

Nnanna Egwu - Hell on anyone with a speech impediment.

Indiana:

Verdell Jones III - That’s The Reverend Verdell Jones III to you, young man.

Michigan:

Sai Tummala - Shades of Vai Sikahema.

Minnesota:

Maverick Ahanmisi - He can be my wingman any time.

Nebraska:

Kye Kurkowski - Good alliteration, plus Nebraska has never been as good as they were with the Polish Rifle, Eric Piatkowski. Perhaps the magic will return.

Wisconsin:

Frank Kaminsky - Doesn’t Frank Kaminsky teach science in the room next to Walter White in Breaking Bad?

Pac-12

Cal:

Bak Bak - I assume there’s no explanation necessary for this one. Are we good? Good.

Colorado:

Shannon Sharpe - Even if he had played at Colorado State, this would have been a non-starter, but 30 miles from Denver?

Spencer Dinwiddie - Billionaire industrialist.

Beau Webb/Beau Gamble - For making the CU roster sound a little bit more like an SEC football team.

UCLA:

De’End Parker - Too. Many. Jokes. Especially if he gets stuck on the bench.

USC:

Danilo Dragovic – Bond villain.

Washington:

Andrew Andrews - I don’t even want to know his middle name unless it’s Andrew or Andre.

WSU:

Dave Wink - Game show host.

SEC

Arkansas:

Mardracus Wade - That’s just a badass name. I’m kind of sorry I already named my son something else.

Kikko Haydar - Went almost as wild with the letter ‘k’ as Nnanna’s folks did with ‘n’.

Julysses Nobles - It’s like a Cuban take on a Greek epic.

Auburn:

Rob Chubb - Is actually a large man. Can’t decide if that’s funnier than if he were skinny.

Georgia:

John Cannon - Porn star.

Kentucky:

Sam Malone - Relief pitcher. Bar owner.

LSU:

Storm Warren - “And now, a look at our doppler radar for the upcoming weekend!”

Miss St.:

Roquez Johnson - If you have a common last name, why not go for a memorable given name?

Ole Miss:

Dundrecous Nelson - Can’t wait for the Dundrecous/Mardracous meetings this season.

Steadman Short/Brock Shorter: For making things easy on headline writers and photo editors everywhere.

Tennessee:

Skylar McBee - Boy reporter.

Vandy:

Festus Ezeli - “Festus! Sherrif Elisha Justice is lookin’ for you!”

Steve Tcheingang - “That’s the sound of the men, workin’ on a Tchein… gaaaaang.” - Sam Cooke